Tongass Family Edwards: Deep Thoughts by Dad

"You are still our dad!"

This father’s day I am father to more than just the two dogs. For the better part of my “adult” life I never thought I would have a kid of my own. So this morning I can’t help but stop and reflect on what becoming a dad has meant to me and the surprises it has brought. I’ll spare the blogosphere the sentimentalities, but I’m happy to share some of the more surprising findings of fatherhood.

Diaper changes are fun, really. I thought diaper changes were all business – you take the dirty diaper off, wipe, hope you don’t get peed on if diaping a boy, then replace the diaper. But, the business side of the diaper change seems almost secondary. Phin smiles, “talks” and engages when he is on the changing table. During diaper changes I talk back, sing a song (Peanut Sitting on a Railroad Track), and play with his toes. I am always happy to change a diaper because of the quality time I get with Phin.

2. Phin’s daytime cycle is similar to the change of the seasons. As a stay-at-home dad I get dialed into Phin’s rhythm. There is nap time, bottle time, happy-play time, and maniacal time. Like the seasons these proceed in a predicable order. However, also like the seasons, the length of any time and transitions are unpredictable. Is this nap going to last 20 minutes or 2 hours? – I never know. It’s like waiting for fall’s end to be marked by the first snow or freeze of winter. Like unusual warm weather in February Phin can wake-up from a nap happy and cheerful not needing a bottle. And like a snowstorm in April (or May) Phin can finish a bottle and go straight to maniacal for a while before his happy time begins. It is not chaos (which is what it seemed like when it was another person’s kid) and that is what surprises me. There is a pattern in there somewhere.

3. I lack patience. Phin turned four months on June 17. In those four months I have pointed out to him countless pieces of heavy construction equipment, usually a young boy favorite. But at this age he can’t begin to fathom the front end loader or bull dozer. I have taken Phin on several drives hoping to give him his first brown bear sighting (those reading this who know Sitka also know that seeing a brown bear from the road is not unusual.) Phin is in a rear-facing car seat so it would be very hard for him to see a bear from the car. Even if he could see a bear from the car to him it would probably look a lot like our big red golden retriever Rogue. I have also taken Phin on walks on the beach when there is a big minus tide because these are the best tides to look for interesting ocean-dwelling critters. Phin has no idea what a starfish is. Why do I do these types of things? I rationalize that I want Phin to develop his consciousness of the world during these experiences. What is probably really happening is that I am being impatient and want him to grow-up.

(4) I am patient. When it comes to impatience, it’s limited. Val points out that I am quite patient. I don’t mind waiting for Phin to finish a bottle, waiting out his nap time cry until he falls asleep, or waiting the extra ten minutes it takes to get out the door with a baby. I am enjoying the little guy for what he his – little, cute, my son, etc. This enjoyment is what makes me blubber “I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!” As much as I’m inpatient for him to grow up and ask a zillion questions about front end loaders, I’m so happy having him in his little baby stages too. I think what I am saying is illustrated by when Phin outgrows an article of clothing. It is a little sad to put the tiniest pair of pants in the give-away box. Especially when that pair of pants used to seem huge. I am glad though, that when he fit into that pair of pants, I was hanging out with him doing the daddy thing. This is the patience I am talking about. It is not necessarily being in the moment because I am not always in the moment. It is just the experience of being with this little guy around.